Emotional Regulation Won’t Improve Until We Understand What’s Really Going On

You can send a child to as many anger management classes as you like. You can talk to them about emotional regulation, teach them breathing techniques, and even walk them through calming strategies every day.

But if their brain isn’t ready to use those tools, it won’t work.

I see it all the time. A young person struggles to cope with frustration, explodes in the classroom, or breaks down when plans suddenly change. People think they need better boundaries or more discipline. Some suggest counselling or anger management. And while support is always helpful, it won’t make a difference unless we address the real issue.

What’s really happening is a struggle with executive functioning, the brain’s self-management system.
For many autistic or ADHD individuals, it’s not about won’t, it’s about can’t.

The three core executive functions are:
Working Memory – Holding onto information long enough to use it
Flexible Thinking – Coping with change and seeing different perspectives
Inhibitory Control – Stopping yourself from reacting on impulse

These aren’t skills people are just born knowing how to use. They develop over time, with experience, practice, and brain maturity. But in neurodivergent individuals, particularly those with ADHD or autistic, that development might be delayed, disrupted, or simply look very different.

In fact, in ADHD, the issue may come down to dopamine not reaching the parts of the brain that manage these functions. If that signal isn’t getting through, it’s not that they won’t regulate their behaviour, it’s that they can’t. Not yet. Not without help. And definitely not in the heat of the moment.

That’s why anger management or emotional regulation strategies alone aren’t enough.
You can’t build emotional control on top of weak executive functioning, it just doesn’t stick.

And so, we get stuck in the same cycles:
"Why didn’t you just stop and think?"
"Why do you keep doing this?"
"Why don’t you learn?"

The answer isn’t in the behaviour. It’s in the brain.

But there is hope. Just like muscles, executive functions can be strengthened. It takes understanding, time, and the right kind of support, but it’s possible.

So before we ask children to control their emotions, let’s ask ourselves:
Have we given them the tools they actually need to do it?
Because without a strong foundation in executive functioning, no strategy will truly stick.