Have We Confused Validating Emotions with Accepting Dysregulation?

There has been a big shift in how we respond to children’s behaviour.

Years ago, discipline looked very different. Children were expected to “behave,” and if they didn’t, there were consequences. In many cases, that discipline went too far. It was harsh, fear-based and sometimes abusive.

But within that, something was happening.

Children were being forced to use a skill:
inhibitory control, the ability to stop, pause and hold back a reaction.

The problem is… it didn’t teach the skill.
It just controlled the behaviour.

Now We’ve Swung the Other Way

Today, we hear a lot about:

• validating emotions

• understanding behaviour

• recognising feelings

And this is important. Children need to feel understood.

But somewhere along the way, something has been misunderstood.

Validation has started to sound like:

“Your reaction is okay.”

And this is where we run into problems.

Because sometimes, the reaction isn’t regulated. It is a child struggling with skills they have not yet developed.

What’s Actually Going On?

When a child has a big emotional reaction, it is not just about feelings.

There are two key skills involved:

• inhibitory control which is the ability to pause and stop

• flexible thinking which is the ability to shift perspective and think differently

If either of these are underdeveloped, the child cannot regulate in the way we expect.

Example 1: The Child Who Explodes Over Small Things

A child is told they cannot have something they want.

They scream, cry, maybe throw something.

We might say:

“I understand you’re upset.”

That is validation.

But underneath:

• They cannot pause their reaction, this is inhibitory control

• They cannot shift their thinking away from
  “I want it → I should have it → this is unfair”, this is flexible thinking

So they stay stuck.

If we stop at validation, nothing changes.

Example 2: Losing a Game

A child loses a game and reacts as if something terrible has happened.

They shout:

“It’s not fair!”

What is happening?

• They cannot stop the emotional response

• They cannot shift from
  “I lost = something is wrong”
  to
  “Sometimes we lose, that is part of the game”

So even if we say:

“I know that feels frustrating”

They are still stuck in that one way of thinking.

Example 3: Teen Reaction to Criticism

A teenager is given feedback and reacts strongly:

• shuts down

• becomes defensive

• lashes out

This is not just “attitude.”

It is often:

• difficulty inhibiting the emotional reaction

• difficulty shifting from
  “I’ve been criticised = I’ve failed”
  to
  “This is feedback I can use”

Without flexible thinking, there is no way out of that emotional state.

So What Should We Be Doing?

Validation is still important, but it is only one part of the process.

We need three steps:

1. Validate the feeling

“I can see you’re really frustrated.”

2. Hold the boundary

“But we are not going to throw things.”

3. Build the skills

“Let’s think about what you can do instead.”

There is also something important to understand here.

We often try to teach children how to regulate in the exact moment they are overwhelmed. But in that moment, the brain cannot pause or think flexibly.

That means they are not in a position to learn something new.

The moment is for support, not teaching. The learning happens before and after, when the child is calm.

This Is the Part We’re Missing

We are asking children to:

• calm down

• think differently

• make better choices

…but we are not always teaching them how to do that.

Because to do those things, they need:

• inhibitory control to pause

• flexible thinking to shift

Without those, regulation is not possible.

The Truth About “Big Emotions”

Not all emotional reactions are equal.

Some are:

• bigger

• more intense

• harder to shift

And that is often because the brain:

• cannot stop

• and cannot change direction

So the child is not choosing to overreact.

They are stuck in that state.

Where We Need to Get To

We do not go back to old discipline.

And we do not stay in over validation.

We move forward with:

• understanding behaviour

• teaching the missing skills

• supporting children to build control over time

Because regulation is not something we demand.

It is something we build.

Final Thought

We have not gone wrong by validating emotions.

But we have gone wrong when we have stopped there.

Because:

Validation without skill building leaves children stuck.

If we want children to regulate their emotions,
we have to help them learn how to:

• pause

• shift their thinking

• and respond differently

And that takes time, support and the right understanding.