It’s Not Bad Behaviour — It’s an Undeveloped Skill

Why schools are getting ADHD and autism so wrong (and why children are paying the price)

I am seeing this far too often.

A child who is autistic, ADHD, or both is labelled as disruptive, defiant, rude, or choosing to behave badly. They are constantly in trouble, removed from class, excluded from trips, sent to senior staff, and spoken to in ways that would never be acceptable for a neurotypical child.

And then we wonder why their self-esteem collapses.

Let me be clear: This is not bad behaviour. This is a child whose brain has not yet developed the skills the school is demanding.

Behaviour is communication — not defiance

Children with ADHD and autism often struggle with:

• impulse control

• emotional regulation

• sensory processing

• social communication

• executive functioning (planning, focus, stopping, starting, switching)

When a child:

• shouts out

• fidgets

• interrupts

• gets up repeatedly

• fixates on peers

• runs when overwhelmed

• struggles to complete work

they are not being naughty.

They are showing us where their skills are delayed — and where they need support.

Punishing a child for undeveloped skills is like punishing a child for not being able to read before they’ve been taught.

The damage caused by “behaviour-first” thinking

What I see again and again is schools responding reactively:

• warnings

• sanctions

• isolation

• removal from class

• missing school trips

• escalation to senior management

Instead of support, the child gets shame.

Instead of understanding, the child gets blame.

Over time, the child internalises this message:

“I am bad.” “I always get it wrong.” “School is not safe.”

This is how we end up with children who mask, melt down, or completely disengage from education.

Words matter — and some comments cause real harm

One of the most upsetting examples I’ve come across recently involved a child with ADHD, awaiting an autism assessment.

When police visited the school, a teacher made a comment along the lines of the child being handcuffed.

To an adult, this might sound like a throwaway remark. To a neurotypical child, it might pass unnoticed.

But to an autistic and ADHD child — who thinks literally — this was terrifying.

That child worried for days that they were going to be arrested and handcuffed.

This wasn’t cruelty. It was a lack of understanding.

But the impact on the child was real.

This is why training matters. This is why language matters. And this is why schools must understand that neurodivergent children process the world very differently.

The real issue: schools are mistaking difference for disobedience

Many schools still view behaviour through a moral lens:

• good vs bad

• choice vs consequence

But neurodivergent children don’t fit into that model.

ADHD and autism are neurodevelopmental conditions. They affect how the brain develops and functions. Expecting a child to “just choose” to behave differently is not only inaccurate — it’s harmful.

What these children need is:

• proactive support

• predictable routines

• movement and sensory regulation

• emotionally safe adults

• understanding, not humiliation

Not constant punishment for being different.

Parents should not be fighting this hard

What breaks my heart most is the parents.

Parents who know their child is struggling. Parents who watch their child dread school. Parents who are made to feel like they’re “making excuses”.

You are not.

You are advocating for your child’s right to be understood.

Schools have a legal and moral duty to support children with SEND — but more than that, they have a responsibility to protect their emotional wellbeing.

No child should leave school believing they are broken.

We must do better

This is not about blaming individual teachers. It is about a systemic lack of understanding around ADHD and autism.

Until schools stop seeing behaviour as something to control — and start seeing it as something to understand — neurodivergent children will continue to suffer.

And that is not acceptable.

If you are a parent reading this and nodding along, know this:

• your child is not bad

• your child is not choosing this

• your child deserves support, not punishment

And you are right to challenge a system that cannot yet see that.