“Why Does My Child Only Do Things If There’s Something In It for Them?”
Many parents say the same thing to me, often with guilt or frustration:
“They only help if there’s a reward.”
“They won’t do anything unless I offer something.”
“It feels selfish.”
And I want to say this clearly and kindly:
Your child is not being selfish.
They are not manipulative.
They are not lazy.
They are missing something that other children have.
Internal motivation is not universal
We often assume that children should “just want” to do things:
Homework because it’s important
Reading because it’s good for them
Tidying up because it’s the right thing to do
Helping because they should care
That assumption only works if a child has internal motivation.
Many children do.
Many ADHD children do not.
This isn’t a character flaw.
It isn’t bad parenting.
It isn’t something they’ll “grow out of” by being told off.
It’s neurological.
What internal motivation actually is
Internal motivation comes from the brain’s ability to:
Anticipate future rewards
Feel satisfaction from effort itself
Hold long-term goals in mind
Generate enough dopamine to start and persist
In ADHD, the dopamine system works differently.
That means:
“Do this now for a benefit later” doesn’t register
Moral arguments don’t create action
Praise alone doesn’t sustain effort
Consequences that are delayed don’t motivate
The result looks like:
“What’s in it for me?”
And yes — that is actually true.
But not because your child is unkind or uncaring.
ADHD motivation is external — and that’s okay
For many ADHD children, motivation has to come from outside before it can become inside.
This might look like:
Tokens
Points
Screens
Privileges
Choice
Immediate rewards
Short-term incentives
Parents often worry:
“Am I ruining their values?”
“Will they never learn to do things for the right reasons?”
“Why don’t I have to do this with other children?”
Here’s the truth:
Other children already have access to internal motivation.
Your child doesn’t — yet.
You are not creating dependence.
You are building a bridge.
“But they should want to be a good person”
This is one of the hardest shifts for parents.
We want children to:
Do the right thing because it’s right
Care about others
Be responsible citizens
But those ideas rely on executive functioning:
Emotional regulation
Working memory
Future thinking
Self-directed effort
If those systems are underdeveloped, lectures won’t build them.
Support will.
Rewards are not bribery — they’re scaffolding
Think of rewards as:
Glasses for a child who can’t see
A ramp for a wheelchair user
A calculator for dyscalculia
You wouldn’t say:
“You should learn to see without glasses.”
So please don’t say:
“They should learn to do it without motivation.”
You are meeting your child where their brain currently is.
Over time, something important happens
When a child:
Experiences success
Feels capable
Avoids constant failure
Feels understood rather than shamed
Internal motivation can start to grow.
But it grows after regulation and success — not before.
A win-win matters
If the task only benefits the adult, motivation will fail.
If the task includes:
Something immediate
Something meaningful to them
A sense of fairness
You get cooperation.
They get dignity.
That is not indulgence.
That is good parenting.
Final thought for parents
If your child seems like they:
Only do things if there’s a reward
Appear self-focused
Ask “why should I?”
Please hear this:
They are not being difficult.
They are being honest about how their brain works.
Your job is not to remove motivation.
Your job is to provide it, until their brain can do more of that work itself.
And that is not failure.
That is understanding.
