Schemas, Autism and Rejection Sensitivity: When Feelings Don’t Match Reality - A read for parents

If you are parenting an autistic child or adult child who often feels mistreated, unheard, or emotionally harmed, it can leave you questioning yourself constantly. Many parents reach a point where they start asking, “Did I fail them? Did I do something wrong?”

This blog is not about blame. It is about understanding how the brain forms meaning, why some reactions feel overwhelming and absolute, and why feeling hurt does not always mean harm has occurred.

A schema is the brain’s way of making sense of the world based on past experiences. From a young age, the brain notices patterns and builds internal “rules” about what to expect from people and situations. These rules are not conscious choices. They form automatically, especially around emotional experiences.

Over time, a child may develop beliefs such as “I’m always treated unfairly”, “Other people are chosen over me”, or “When I’m corrected, I’m being attacked.” Once a schema like this is in place, the brain uses it as a filter. New situations are interpreted through it, even when the current situation is very different from the past.

Autistic children are more likely to experience repeated correction, misunderstanding, social confusion, and intense emotional responses. Many also experience strong rejection or criticism sensitivity, where perceived disapproval feels deeply painful or threatening. When autism and rejection sensitivity combine, schemas can become emotionally powerful and rigid. The emotional brain reacts before logic has time to step in.

In these moments, the brain is not asking whether something is fair or reasonable. It is asking whether the person is safe.

Schemas become distorted when they continue to shape reactions even though circumstances have changed. This is when someone may feel excluded, betrayed, or harmed in situations that are actually neutral, age-appropriate, or reasonable. The distress is real. The interpretation may not be.

This is one of the hardest distinctions for parents to hold: feeling hurt is not the same as being harmed. Someone can feel genuinely distressed, rejected, or unsafe without abuse having occurred. A schema causes the brain to treat emotions as evidence, especially during emotional overwhelm.

That does not mean you failed as a parent.

Schemas form without conscious choice. Parents do not cause them deliberately, and they cannot simply be explained away. What matters now is not repeatedly defending yourself or trying to prove your intentions. That often makes things worse.

What helps is staying calm and consistent, separating behaviour from worth, acknowledging emotional pain without agreeing with inaccurate conclusions, and holding boundaries even when it feels uncomfortable. Over time, this helps the brain learn a new rule: “I can be corrected and still be safe and loved.”

If you are carrying guilt, doubt, or fear because your child believes they were mistreated, it is important to know this: understanding schemas is meant to reduce self-blame, not increase it. You can be caring, attentive, and protective, and still be misunderstood. That does not make you abusive. It makes you human.

Important clarification: This article does not deny the reality of abuse, nor does it suggest that emotional pain should be dismissed. Abuse exists, and it must always be taken seriously.