Pathological Demand Avoidance in Adulthood

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) doesn’t fade with age. In fact, as adults take on more responsibilities, like maintaining a household or managing relationships, the challenges of PDA can grow more pronounced. Adults with PDA may struggle to meet even basic expectations, such as tidying up or contributing to shared chores. This often leads to conflict, frustration, and a strained atmosphere at home. 

 

Understanding PDA requires looking beyond the surface. At its core, PDA behaviours are driven by anxiety and a deep need to maintain control. But control over what? For someone with PDA, control isn’t about dominating others, it’s about managing the overwhelming anxiety they feel in response to demands and unpredictability. 

 

For someone with PDA, control is an instinctive response to their anxiety. It’s an unconscious survival mechanism used to reduce perceived threats, whether those threats are demands, expectations, or emotional vulnerabilities.  

 

 

A simple request like "Please tidy your room" can feel like a loss of autonomy. Even reasonable demands may be perceived as external forces that take away their ability to choose for themselves. 

By avoiding or resisting the demand, they feel like they’ve regained personal autonomy, even if it leads to conflict. 

 

Tasks or situations that involve uncertainty like cleaning a shared space and risking criticism can trigger avoidance or procrastination. 

Avoiding the task reduces the anxiety associated with the unknown, even if it creates bigger problems later. 

 

Social situations can feel like a web of unpredictable demands. They may try to dominate conversations, withdraw entirely, or refuse to participate unless they feel in control of the interaction. 

 

Feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed is distressing. They might lash out, withdraw, or insist on doing things their way to avoid emotional discomfort. 

 

Changes to routines or plans can feel deeply unsettling. They might insist on rigid routines or become upset when things don’t go as expected to create a sense of stability. 

 

This intense drive for control stems from a need to feel safe in a world that often feels unpredictable or overwhelming. However, this need for control can lead to behaviours that appear irrational or defiant to others. 

 

When adults with PDA face responsibilities, the combination of anxiety and the need for control can create significant challenges. Here’s how this manifests: 

 

Everyday chores like washing dishes or tidying up can feel overwhelming, leading to complete avoidance or delayed action. 

 

Tasks left incomplete or avoided altogether often cause frustration for other household members. This can lead to arguments and resentment. 

 

When one person avoids responsibilities, others are forced to pick up the slack. Over time, this imbalance creates emotional strain and tension in the household. 

 

One common example of self-sabotaging behaviour in Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) involves situations where a well-meaning offer of help is perceived as a loss of control. For instance, imagine someone offers to give you a lift instead of you taking your car, perhaps because you plan to have a drink. While their offer is practical and thoughtful, it might trigger feelings of losing autonomy—such as being unable to leave when you choose. 

In response, you insist on taking your car, even if it means leaving it at the bar overnight and dealing with the inconvenience of retrieving it the next day. While this decision allows you to maintain a sense of control in the moment, it ultimately creates unnecessary hassle and frustration later. 

This pattern reflects the core challenge of PDA: the need for control can override practical or logical decisions, leading to choices that complicate life instead of simplifying it. Recognising this tendency is the first step towards finding healthier ways to manage these situations and reduce self-sabotaging behaviours. 

 

The need for control often leads to prolonged arguments. These conflicts can overshadow the original task and create a cycle of stress for everyone involved. 

 

Understanding PDA behaviours and their root causes can help you recognise the patterns that fuel conflict and avoidance: 

 

Task Avoidance Escalates: Avoiding one small task often creates bigger problems later, such as a cluttered home or missed deadlines. 

Self-Inflicted Consequences: In resisting tasks to maintain control, they may unintentionally make their own lives harder. For example, refusing to clean might result in embarrassment when guests visit. 

Misinterpreted Behaviour: To others, these actions may appear selfish or lazy. In reality, they’re driven by deep anxiety and the subconscious need to feel in control. 

Control Over Connection: The drive for control can sometimes overshadow the need for harmony. This can lead to behaviours that alienate others, even though the individual values those relationships. 

While PDA creates significant challenges, the need for personal accountability doesn’t disappear in adulthood. Avoidance behaviours may feel like a short-term solution, but they often lead to long-term conflict and trouble.  

 

 

Sharing responsibilities fosters trust and respect. When one person consistently avoids contributing, it creates an imbalance that strains even the strongest relationships. 

 

Ignoring tasks doesn’t make them disappear. Instead, it shifts the burden onto others or creates bigger issues, like financial trouble, health risks, or relationship breakdowns. 

 

True independence means being able to navigate responsibilities, even when they feel overwhelming. Taking small steps to address demands helps build confidence and reduces the anxiety that fuels avoidance. 

 

Avoidance can lead to guilt, shame, and a sense of failure. Facing responsibilities head-on, even in small ways, can improve self-esteem and strengthen relationships. 

 

Understanding PDA in adulthood means acknowledging the anxiety behind the behaviours while emphasising the importance of responsibility. Adults with PDA need support to navigate their challenges, but they also need to recognise the impact of their actions on themselves and those around them. 

 

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean ignoring PDA or dismissing its difficulties. It means finding ways to work through those challenges to create a more balanced and harmonious home. Recognising the self-sabotaging behaviours and breaking the cycle of avoidance is the first step toward a healthier, more cooperative household dynamic. 

 

PDA in adulthood can make life feel like an ongoing battle against demands, but learning to take responsibility is crucial for building trust, reducing conflict, and fostering stronger relationships. While it’s not an easy journey, understanding the underlying anxiety and addressing it with compassion and persistence can pave the way for meaningful progress. 

 

By facing responsibilities, one small step at a time, adults with PDA can reduce the tension in their homes, strengthen their relationships, and build a sense of personal accomplishment. It’s not about doing everything perfectly, it’s about taking ownership, contributing to the home, and breaking the cycle of conflict that avoidance behaviours can create.